The Ultimate Guide to Letting Go of People-Pleasing + 5 Best Books To Help Support You

Getting nervous about spending the holidays around too many people? Not to worry, this post was written to help support you in being more confident and drop the tendency to go into people pleasing mode this season.

For many women, the urge to please others can run deep, often tied to a desire to be seen as loving, kind, and considerate. While these are beautiful qualities, they can sometimes blur the lines between being genuinely caring and losing oneself in the needs of others.

Letting go of people-pleasing doesn’t mean sacrificing your femininity or warmth; rather, it’s about redefining it in a way that allows you to flourish authentically.

Here’s how to embrace a more intentional, balanced approach that nurtures both yourself and those around you:

1. Understand the Roots of People-Pleasing

The first step in breaking free from people-pleasing is understanding why you do it. Often, people-pleasing can stem from childhood experiences, societal expectations, or simply the habit of prioritizing others' needs. Reflect on moments when you felt the need to make others happy, and ask yourself: What was I hoping to gain? Maybe it was validation, love, or acceptance. Becoming aware of these motivations allows you to reclaim control and shift towards healthier ways of meeting these needs.

2. Embrace Boundaries as a Form of Self-Respect

Setting boundaries is one of the most powerful acts of self-love and self-respect. It’s also essential for maintaining healthy, balanced relationships. Start with small boundaries that feel manageable, like not answering work emails after a certain time or saying no to requests that don’t align with your priorities.

Remember, boundaries are not barriers to love; they are frameworks that protect it. When others know what to expect, relationships become more honest and fulfilling, and your generosity becomes a true choice rather than an obligation.

3. Redefine What It Means to Be “Loving”

Being loving doesn’t require self-sacrifice. In fact, it’s often quite the opposite. When you show up authentically, without the need to overextend yourself, you create an environment where people feel comfortable doing the same. True love and care stem from a place of fullness within you, so prioritize filling your own cup first.

A good question to ask yourself before doing something for someone is: Am I doing this out of genuine care, or am I trying to avoid discomfort, disapproval, or rejection? If it’s the latter, that may be a sign that it’s time to choose yourself.

4. Develop a Stronger Sense of Self

People-pleasing often goes hand-in-hand with low self-worth or a lack of clarity about personal values. Cultivating a strong sense of self can help you distinguish between what’s truly important to you and what’s merely driven by external expectations. Spend time journaling, meditating, or exploring creative hobbies to reconnect with yourself and your needs.

When you know who you are and what you want, you can love others from a more centered, balanced place. This makes it easier to stay true to yourself without feeling pressured to conform.

5. Communicate from a Place of Authenticity

Intentional communication is key to transforming people-pleasing tendencies. It’s entirely possible to speak your truth while being warm and respectful. Practice using “I” statements, such as “I feel,” “I need,” or “I prefer,” to express your desires or boundaries. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry, I can’t help with that,” try, “I appreciate you asking, but I need to focus on my priorities right now.”

When you communicate openly, people around you will start respecting your boundaries and understanding your needs, all while feeling the sincerity in your approach.

6. Celebrate the Power of Femininity Without Self-Sacrifice

Femininity encompasses qualities like empathy, gentleness, and emotional intelligence—qualities that are powerful in their own right. Rather than tying your femininity to people-pleasing, consider how these attributes can strengthen your ability to assert boundaries and honor yourself. Think of femininity as a soft but resilient power, one that enables you to be present with others while standing in your truth.

Related reading: 25 things to do to help you reconnect with your femininity

7. Practice Saying “No” With Grace

Learning to say “no” is one of the most challenging yet empowering steps in overcoming people-pleasing. Start small, using phrases that feel comfortable but assertive. Try responses like, “I’d love to help, but I need to focus on my responsibilities right now” or “Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to participate.”

Over time, you’ll feel more comfortable asserting your “no” with kindness and clarity. Saying no isn’t an act of rejection; it’s an affirmation of your own values and boundaries.

8. Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Your growth journey can be made easier when surrounded by those who respect and support your choices. Seek out friendships and relationships where honesty and self-expression are encouraged. When you surround yourself with people who celebrate your authenticity, you’ll feel less pressured to compromise it for the sake of approval.

Embracing Your Authentic, Loving Self

Letting go of people-pleasing is a journey that takes patience, but every step leads you closer to a more intentional, fulfilled version of yourself. Remember, you can still be a loving, feminine woman while prioritizing your needs and boundaries. As you release the need to please everyone, you’ll find that the love and energy you share with others comes from a place of fullness, resilience, and authentic warmth—qualities that make you truly magnetic and free.

5 of the best books on breaking the habit of people pleasing

1. "The Disease to Please: Curing the People-Pleasing Syndrome" by Dr. Harriet B. Braiker

• Summary: This classic addresses the psychological roots of people-pleasing and offers actionable strategies to overcome it. Dr. Braiker guides readers through recognizing the internal beliefs that drive people-pleasing and provides exercises to practice assertiveness.

• Why It’s Helpful: The book uses real-life examples and practical exercises, making it both insightful and actionable for breaking free from people-pleasing habits.

2. "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab

• Summary: Tawwab, a licensed therapist, offers a guide to setting healthy boundaries without feeling guilt. This book tackles the fears that often keep people-pleasers from saying “no” and emphasizes that boundaries are essential for meaningful, balanced relationships.

• Why It’s Helpful: With a focus on practical solutions, Tawwab’s advice is straightforward and compassionate, perfect for readers looking to embrace boundaries while remaining kind and empathetic.

3. "Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life With the Heart of a Buddha" by Tara Brach

• Summary: While not solely about people-pleasing, "Radical Acceptance" dives into the root causes of self-doubt and insecurity, exploring how mindfulness and compassion can help us let go of the need for approval.

• Why It’s Helpful: Brach’s gentle approach to self-acceptance helps people-pleasers develop inner peace and confidence, laying a foundation for authentic interactions and emotional freedom.

4. "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are" by Brené Brown

• Summary: Brown explores the ways in which our fear of imperfection fuels people-pleasing tendencies and keeps us from living wholeheartedly. Through research-backed insights, she empowers readers to embrace vulnerability and authenticity.

• Why It’s Helpful: This book encourages people-pleasers to let go of perfectionism and societal expectations, embracing a more grounded and self-compassionate way of living.

5. "Not Nice: Stop People-Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty...And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, and Unapologetically Being Yourself" by Dr. Aziz Gazipura

• Summary: Dr. Gazipura’s book dives into why we fear being seen as “not nice” and how to stop letting that fear control our choices. With actionable exercises, it helps readers find their voice and develop assertiveness without sacrificing kindness.

• Why It’s Helpful: This book provides a clear roadmap to assertiveness while recognizing that kindness and authenticity can go hand-in-hand.

My 6 Step Saging Ritual: A beautiful way to cleanse the energy of your sacred space

It's time to begin working on cleansing our environments, our inner selves and our sacred spaces. Taking the time to go within to connect to your truth, uplift your energies by letting go of what no longer suits you. It truly is such a beautiful time of year. Be sure to check out my 21 day Soul Alignment workshop, It is the perfect method to reset and raise your vibration for the year ahead. 

CLEANSING RITUALS

Years ago, when I moved into my first apartment in NYC, a friend came over to my home with a beautiful sage stick and did a cleansing ritual to my space. At the time I was a little skeptical but looking back, that apartment always had the best energy and the most incredible things happened for me there. I always felt so safe and protected in that tiny little apartment.

From that moment on, I always loved saging and smudging rituals.  

After you sage a home or a room, the energy absolutely feels lighter and clean. It feels like you are giving love and care to your home with intention and that is very powerful when it comes to living blissfully.

It will help you to feel more connected to your space. Your home should feel like your sanctuary, where you rejuvenate yourself. It is where you preform self love acts like cleansing yourself, relaxing and taking care of your body, healing yourself, making memories with your loved ones, etc. Your sacred space deserves it and so do you! 

Related Reading: The incredible wellness benefits of Palo Santo

My favorite sage bundle ( I like it with lavender to make it smell prettier ) :

In recent years, more and more people have turned to saging, or smudging, as a way to cleanse their homes and create a positive, peaceful environment. But the tradition of smudging actually has deep, ancient roots, and its benefits go far beyond just clearing out negative energy.

Let’s dive into the importance and benefits of saging your home and explore how to incorporate this ritual into your own space.

The History and Cultural Significance of Smudging

Smudging, traditionally involving the burning of sacred herbs like sage, cedar, and sweetgrass, has been practiced for centuries by Indigenous peoples in North America as part of spiritual and healing rituals.

Beyond Indigenous cultures, similar smoke-cleansing practices exist globally, from incense burning in Asia to herbs used in Middle Eastern rituals. Each of these traditions recognizes the purifying and calming effects of smoke, which is used to cleanse people, places, and objects.

Today, many individuals incorporate saging into their personal routines, though it’s important to approach this practice with respect for its origins and the cultures that have nurtured it.

Why Sage Your Home?

Our spaces tend to accumulate energy, both positive and negative, from ourselves and others. Arguments, stress, and even the presence of other people can build up an invisible residue in a room.

Saging is a way to reset that energy, clear stagnant vibes, and create a peaceful, refreshing atmosphere. Here’s why saging is valuable for your home:

• Purifying and Cleansing: Burning sage releases negative ions, which, according to some research, can help improve mood. Many believe this helps dispel any lingering negative energy, which may contribute to mental and emotional tension.

• Setting Intentions: Smudging is more than just waving a bundle of sage around; it’s an intentional practice. Taking time to focus on what you want to release (negative thoughts, stress) and what you want to invite in (peace, calm, creativity) sets a powerful mental and emotional tone for your space.

• Creating a Sacred, Relaxing Space: Smudging encourages you to pause, clear your mind, and focus on creating an environment that feels safe, sacred, and comfortable. Whether you use your space for work, relaxation, or family, smudging helps cultivate an environment where you feel grounded and uplifted.

Benefits of Saging for Your Home and Wellbeing

1. Enhanced Clarity and Focus: Smudging is thought to reduce negative thoughts and mental clutter, which is especially helpful for maintaining focus and clarity, whether you’re working from home or trying to relax.

2. Emotional Resilience and Stress Relief: Sage has been shown to contain compounds that can help reduce anxiety and stress when burned, making it a natural addition to self-care routines.

3. Energy Refresh: Just like decluttering or deep cleaning, saging your home is a way to reset its energy. If you’ve recently had a rough week, experienced an argument, or had visitors, saging can help refresh and uplift the vibe of your space.

4. Improved Air Quality: While sage isn’t a cure-all for air quality, research suggests that burning sage may help remove up to 94% of airborne bacteria in a space. This can be a welcome benefit if you’re looking to reduce pathogens and other irritants in your home.

How to Sage Your Home: MY 6 Step RITUAL PROCESS

1. Set Your Intention: Before you start, decide what you want to achieve with the smudging. It could be clearing out stagnant energy, inviting positivity, or preparing for a new start.

   Journal away any negative or doubtful thoughts. Get it all out on paper so that your mind will have only positive thoughts going on inside of you.

   Journal what you would like to release from your life and what you would like to manifest more of. 

2. Open Windows and Doors: Allow airflow so the smoke (and any negative energy) has a way to escape.

   Set the mood by playing beautiful meditation music or your favorite background sounds. Talk openly to God in prayer that comes from the heart. 

3. Light the Sage: Using a lighter or match, light the tip of the sage bundle until it begins to smolder. Gently blow on it if needed to create a steady stream of smoke.

4. Walk Through Your Space (using Feng Shui): Starting at the entrance, move slowly through each room. When doing a sage cleanse, I like to identify each area of the room according to the Feng Shui bagua. (You can see how to do it in this post).

   When saging each area, I like to say a prayer or affirmation for what I want to either cleanse the area of or receive more of. For example, in the Wealth and Abundance corner, I would say something like "All my needs are taken care of and provided for" or in the Travel area I would say "I can't wait to take my trip to Bali".

   Let the sage smoke fill that area with the energy of your dreams. Wave the smoke gently with a feather or your hand, paying special attention to corners, mirrors, and around doorways, which are thought to hold energy.

5. Visualize and Recite Your Intention: As you move through your home, think about what you’re releasing and what you want to invite into the space. You can say your intentions aloud or internally as you go.

   Light your favorite candles and use the flame from the candle to light the sage. Move around the room or rooms from corner to corner allowing the smoke to move around the space. 

   Feel free to put out your favorite crystals to use with you as you do your Cleansing Ritual. Pyrite and amethyst are my favorite for any sort of cleansing or manifestation. 

6. Let the Sage Burn Out Safely: Place the sage bundle in a fire-safe bowl or dish and allow it to burn out on its own or gently press it into the bowl to extinguish it.

Tips for Mindful Smudging

• Use Ethical, Sustainably Sourced Sage: White sage is often overharvested, so look for responsibly sourced sage, or consider using alternatives like rosemary, cedar, or palo santo.

• Practice Regularly: Smudging can be a beneficial routine done weekly or monthly, especially when you sense heavy energy or need a fresh start.

• Stay Safe: Always smudge with caution, especially if you have pets or young children. Keep a fire-safe dish on hand and never leave smoldering sage unattended.

Final Thoughts

Saging your home is more than just an act of cleansing; it’s a mindful practice that can refresh your environment and reset your mind. By taking a few moments to perform this ritual, you’re inviting peace, clarity, and positive energy into your space. Embrace it as a simple yet powerful way to connect with your surroundings, refresh your energy, and create a home that feels both sacred and serene.

I enjoy the lavender ones and white sage with Eucalyptus. In addition to sage, I also love using Palo Santo, it is a holy smoke with so many incredible benefits and the smell is also very lovely. For me, something about the smell of sage isn’t my favorite but after I sage, I burn Palo Santo to enhance the smell. 

If you enjoyed this post, you may love my workshop, High Vibe Home which gives you my top tips for creating a sanctuary!

Title image via Grimorio bruxa